Saturday, August 2, 2008

The Dream Queen

As you may have gathered, I'm notorious for my dreams, which tend to be lengthy, involved sagas that I recall in great detail. A week ago, for instance, I dreamt that you could send a dog through the U.S. postal service. Not in a box, but in a little pink snuggly suit with a handle on the back. Two nights ago Johnny Depp, Clive Owen, and Queen Elizabeth I (as portrayed by Cate Blanchett) were in my dream. Last night's dream, however, was a total whopper.

First, there was the Juno section, in which the father of Juno's baby wasn't Paulie, but Logan Echolls from Veronica Mars. Odd.

Then there was the segment where Disney was selling a one-of-a-kind Little Mermaid-themed children's bedroom, complete with audioanimatronics outside the huge windows. You'd think that the audioanimatronic scene outside the window would be something from the "Under the Sea" number or the like, right? Nope. It was a giant Ursula the sea witch, who loomed, glared, then died in agony like in the movie when Prince Eric stabbed her with a jagged ship's prow. Riiight. Just the scene every kid wants to see repeated outside his or her bedroom window every two minutes. So that was pretty weird, too.

The portion of my dream that really took the bizarro cake, however, was this one. There was a priest or cardinal called the Gooch; he had white hair and wore all white, including a long robe that was fashioned rather like a hospital gown, i.e., it allowed his bare ass to hang out in the back. He headed a church that worshiped Eve, the first woman. There were tons of enormous stone crosses with Eve standing against them instead of Jesus dangling from them. The nuns were really something else, though. These were world-famous nuns, evidently. They were young, really hot, and scantily clad in nothing resembling habits. They also gave lap dances. So other young, hot, scantily clad nuns from convents and sects all over the world would make pilgrimages to get holy lap dances. Tourists could do so, too. Only women, I think. I don't remember any men, possibly because the church was all about Eve. (Heh—All About Eve.) Yep. That was the strangest part. Lap-dancing nuns.

I don't know what my dreams say about me...and I don't think I want to know.