New Year, No Memories

I think it is time that I tell my most amusing (in retrospect) New Year's Eve story. Several years ago Afshin and I went to a New Year's Eve party at the apartment of a friend. I looked cute (a dress that I hadn't expected to fit did), one of my dearest friends was in town and present, and the Champagne flowed freely. Suffice it to say I overindulged. Feeling, as I did, pretty bloody wasted, I retreated to an unoccupied bedroom and inelegantly passed out on the bed. Eventually Afshin decided that it was time to go home and went to collect me. He succeeded in rousing me and told me it was time to go. I tried to push past him.

"I have to go tell Afshin we're leaving," I said.
"I am Afshin," he responded.
"No, I need to tell Afshin," I insisted.
He played along. "Okay, if I'm not Afshin, who am I?" he asked.
I looked at him blearily. "You're the bathtub."

Upon that delirious declaration, he opted to leave me unconscious a while longer. After recounting my predicament to our host, Afshin decided to check on me again, just in case.

"I'll be right back," he said. "I have to go make sure my girlfriend's not trying to have sex with your bathtub."

Don't Drink and Skate

I suppose it's been a while since I've proffered any truly embarrassing stories about my frequent bungling—I guess one's due.

So this one happened a while back when I lived in New York. I have always been a sucker for ice skating—watching it, that is. I can skip, oh, the entire rest of the Winter Olympics, but I make a point of watching the ice skating. (I can do without the Summer Olympics entirely.) Anyway, I had been flipping channels and stumbled across some ice skating competition. As I was alone in the apartment, I was free to watch the skating free from ridicule. I made myself a drink and settled in.

Well, it was a strong drink. Maybe even two strong drinks. I started wondering exactly how these skaters executed jumps, anyway. I mean, what's the difference between a triple lutz and a triple salchow? I know there is a difference, but I can't see it. Now I know that, theoretically, you have to build up speed to jump properly, but you see skaters performing small jumps from a standing position all the time. You know, on the practice mats before they're scheduled to take the ice.

You know what the difference is between a professional ice skater and me? For starters, the ice skater's an athlete, not a sports-phobe. And, generally at least, said ice skater isn't inebriated at the time of competition. Moreover, I doubt many skaters attempt jumps in the middle of their kitchens. And I'll bet money that they don't complete their jumps by landing smack in the recycling pile.