Don't Drink and Skate

I suppose it's been a while since I've proffered any truly embarrassing stories about my frequent bungling—I guess one's due.

So this one happened a while back when I lived in New York. I have always been a sucker for ice skating—watching it, that is. I can skip, oh, the entire rest of the Winter Olympics, but I make a point of watching the ice skating. (I can do without the Summer Olympics entirely.) Anyway, I had been flipping channels and stumbled across some ice skating competition. As I was alone in the apartment, I was free to watch the skating free from ridicule. I made myself a drink and settled in.

Well, it was a strong drink. Maybe even two strong drinks. I started wondering exactly how these skaters executed jumps, anyway. I mean, what's the difference between a triple lutz and a triple salchow? I know there is a difference, but I can't see it. Now I know that, theoretically, you have to build up speed to jump properly, but you see skaters performing small jumps from a standing position all the time. You know, on the practice mats before they're scheduled to take the ice.

You know what the difference is between a professional ice skater and me? For starters, the ice skater's an athlete, not a sports-phobe. And, generally at least, said ice skater isn't inebriated at the time of competition. Moreover, I doubt many skaters attempt jumps in the middle of their kitchens. And I'll bet money that they don't complete their jumps by landing smack in the recycling pile.