Why I Need a Sleep Helmet

Afshin has long said that I need a sleep helmet, initially because I require such specific conditions in order to sleep. Light—even just the little blips on a cable box or laptop—bothers me. Typing and mouse-clicking noises infuriate me. You get the picture. Since we live in a studio but don't always want to keep the same hours, we put up curtains around the bed, and I'll strap on my iPod (to block clickety-clack key noises), and affix one, sometimes two, of my three sleep masks to my head. Afshin started teasing me by saying that what I really need is a sleep helmet, some sort of sensory-deprivation gear to isolate me from all the sounds and lights I find so irksome at bedtime.

Then he decided that I really need it for protection.

He was up, typing away at his desk. I had gone to bed several hours earlier. Suddenly there's a CTHUNK, followed by an "Owww!"

"Babe, what happened?" He ran over to check on me.

"I hit my head on the wall!" I wailed, still three-quarters asleep.

Yes, I had slammed my head into the wall while asleep.

Nocturnal Injuries

Last night I woke up (as I often do) because I needed to use the bathroom. This is not unusual, as I drink lots of water and apparently have the world's smallest bladder. Upon waking, I lifted my head off the pillow—and bonked into Afshin's elbow. (It was totally encroaching on my side of the bed.) I rose, carefully picked my way across the bed, narrowly avoiding Afshin's feet and legs...and slammed my knee into the coffee table, waking Afshin in the process. Amazingly, I have but a single tiny bruise on my right knee. And Afshin has no recollection of the incident. But that's not unusual, as, after he's asleep, he's dead to the world until morning. So I apparently need not only a sleep helmet, but sleep kneepads as well.

One Night, Two Near-Tumbles

I had a very bad night, mishap-wise, last week. I'd gotten a large peppermint-mocha latte from Starbucks to combat the cold and was walking back to my apartment from the financial district. I was wearing my Dansko clogs, which are extremely comfortable but pose a slight difficulty for me (and, I should add, many others who aren't quite as clumsy as I): Because the sole of the shoe is one solid, inflexible piece, if you step on uneven ground, the shoe tends to roll over rather than bend to accommodate irregularities in the ground. So you basically wind up tripping a lot if you're not careful. Well, I guess I wasn't careful. I tripped in a pothole and wound up doing the please-let-me-catch-my-balance-without-falling-or-spilling-my-coffee dance. For what seemed like an eternity. It was epic. Not this epic, but close. However, I managed to stay upright and—amazingly—only spill some coffee on my coat sleeve.

Later the same night, I nearly rolled out of bed while asleep. Again, in a narrow save, I klonked my elbow on my dresser, which woke me up enough to right myself before I went ass-over-teakettle. The thunk was enough to wake up Afshin, who suggested that, instead of just a sleep helmet, I should really get sleep armor.

So maybe it wasn't such an unlucky night...two near-accidents are better than two actual accidents after all.

Wacky German Design to the Rescue!

Know how I've previously mentioned that I need a sleep helmet? Well, they actually make one! Sign me up, baby. I just need to learn how to read German first. What they won't think of next.